I have this longing to be with nature. To be more active and explore the uninhabited. I like this one trail on Beyer and though it is rich with greenery and wildlife, the spot is still fairly close to busy streets.
Quiet morning reflections help keep me aligned and focused on my goals.
With the crisp winter air and light rays of sun spilling through my window I feel refreshed. I can look back on unpleasant memories, reminding myself of my goals, without getting sucked up in the negativity.
Looking back on my life, I am alarmed by how impulsive and out of control I really was. Showing up to high school drunk at 7am covered in fresh cuts should have screamed I was sick, but no took a second glance.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
I put my friends in awful positions. I cringe thinking of the manipulation tactics I would use on everyone, especially Javier and Rudy.
A constant pull and push tug of war I had with their heart strings kept them close. Relentless I hate you don’t leave me squabbles and deliberate threats of suicide sent them racing for my front door, in my mind, if they were worried it meant that they loved and cared about me.
That validation is what I needed and craved endlessly.
Everyday I fight the civil war inside my head, endlessly torn between control and illness, I must not lose myself again.
As I work on controlling my anxiety, borderline personality disorder, depression, and self injury I find myself thinking for the first time, I am happy to be alive, I am happy to feel.
Even though getting out of bed in the mornings has been an impossible task for me in the past this past week I have really put up an effort to do the simple things most people have no issue doing. I have been getting up at a decent hour, I have kept my room relatively clean, and I have forced myself to take proper care of my cats. Most nights I’m exhausted but I must say I feel rather proud of myself, although my ‘accomplishments’ are minuscule.